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 Post subject: Jokes
Unread postPosted: 17 Oct 2006, 18:18 
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Romancing Reardon
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Joined: 29 Jul 2006, 22:13
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Not sure whether this goes here or in chat but anyway!

So anyone know any good jokes??
Here's a couple.

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

One day there were three boys walking down the street, and suddenly they heard cries for help. When the boys got to the noise they saw George W. Bush in a lake drowning. The three boys saved him from drowning.
Dubya asked the boys how he could ever repay him. The first boy said, "I want a boat."

The second boy said, "I want a truck."

And the third boy said, "I want three tombstones with our names all on them."

Dubya asked, "Why is that, son?"

The little boy said, "Because when my Dad finds out that we saved you, he is going to kill us all!" :lol:

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So much for London, home of the Brash, outrageous and free!


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 Post subject:
Unread postPosted: 07 Feb 2007, 23:10 
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Joined: 13 May 2006, 21:47
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ok ok ok

How did the guy drown in his museli??






He got pulled in by a strong current



HAHAH You love it- go on admit it....

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 Post subject:
Unread postPosted: 14 Feb 2007, 19:27 
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Romancing Reardon
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Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the sod hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the idiot. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refrigerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."

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So much for London, home of the Brash, outrageous and free!


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
Unread postPosted: 21 Jun 2007, 10:13 
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De Viega's Deity
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Ok, I'll try one too. Remember that is a translation, I'll do my best. Sorry for the language but that is part of the joke.

"A mother was standing in the kitchen when she heard her 5 year old son play in the living room with his train. She heard the train stop and her son say: 'All the imbecils that want to get off, they fucking better hurry up because this is the last stop. And all the bastards who wants to get on, better get their lazy ass on the seat 'cause we are about to leave now.'
The mother was stunned and went into the living room saying to her son: 'We don't use that kind of language in our house. Get to your room and stay there for 2 hours! If you want to play with your train again afterwards, I don't want to hear those words again!'
Two hours later the boy is back in the living room, playing with his train. This time the mother could hear him say: 'To all the passangers, please don't forget your luggage. We thank you for travelling with us and hope to see you next time again. We hope you had a pleasant journey.'
She continues to listen to her little boy: 'For all of those who just got on, please don't smoke in the train. We hope you have a relaxing and pleasant journey with us.'
On the moment the mother starts to smile, she hears her son say: 'And for those who are pissed because of the 2 hours delay...
turn yourself to the bitch in the kitchen!!!'
"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
Unread postPosted: 21 Jun 2007, 10:23 
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De Viega's Deity
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I'll try another one. - Not necessarily PG you have been warned
Spoiler:
"Grandma is in a psychiatric institution because she is a littlebit confused.
That day she is driving like crazy, as usual, with her wheelchair trough the corridors.
But suddenly a door swings open and crazy Gerrit blocks the way.
'Drivers license!' he says.
Grandma takes a bonbon paper out of her purse and gives it to him. Crazy Gerrit looks at it carefully. 'OK' he says. And she leaves with squeezing tires.
But a little further down the hall andother door swings open and silly Jules makes her stop.
'Papers of the car!' he shouts.
Grandma gives him a wrap of a chocolate bar out of her purse. Silly Jules looks at it and says: 'OK, carry on.'
Now Grandma is driving extra hard to catch up the time she had lost.
But again a door swings open and crazy Harry (I'm sorry) is standing in front of her, completely naked with a big erection
'Oh no', grandma sighs, 'Another alcohol control!'

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Heidi Breugelmans


Last edited by shelliwood on 21 Jun 2007, 10:56, edited 1 time in total.
Put the joke in spoiler tags and added a non PG warning


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
Unread postPosted: 21 Jun 2007, 14:27 
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De Viega's Deity
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Breugel wrote:
I'll try another one. - Not necessarily PG you have been warned
Spoiler:
"Grandma is in a psychiatric institution because she is a littlebit confused.
That day she is driving like crazy, as usual, with her wheelchair trough the corridors.
But suddenly a door swings open and crazy Gerrit blocks the way.
'Drivers license!' he says.
Grandma takes a bonbon paper out of her purse and gives it to him. Crazy Gerrit looks at it carefully. 'OK' he says. And she leaves with squeezing tires.
But a little further down the hall andother door swings open and silly Jules makes her stop.
'Papers of the car!' he shouts.
Grandma gives him a wrap of a chocolate bar out of her purse. Silly Jules looks at it and says: 'OK, carry on.'
Now Grandma is driving extra hard to catch up the time she had lost.
But again a door swings open and crazy Harry (I'm sorry) is standing in front of her, completely naked with a big erection
'Oh no', grandma sighs, 'Another alcohol control!'


Oh yes, of course. I completely forgot, sorry about that. thank you Shelli for seeing this and doing it immediately.

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Heidi Breugelmans


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
Unread postPosted: 21 Jun 2007, 16:17 
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De Viega's Deity
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Location: Nijlen - Belgium
A few jokes a computer helpdesk can get:

helpdesk: "What kind of computer do you have?"
customer: "A white one."
-----
customer:"Hallo, I can't get my diskette out."
helpdesk:"Did you already try to push the button?"
customer:"Yes, it really doesn't come out."
helpdesk:"That is not good. I make a report of it."
customer:"No... wait... I see it... I did not put the diskette in... it's on my desk... sorry..."
-----
helpdesk:"Your password is a small a from apple, a capital V like in Viktor and the number 7."
customer:"Is that a capital 7?"
-----
helpdesk:"And now you push the F8 button."
customer:"It does not work."
helpdesk:"What did you do exactly?"
customer:"I pushed 8 times on the F-button just like you said, but nothing happens."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
Unread postPosted: 21 Jun 2007, 16:35 
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De Viega's Deity
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This is a long one. I will use your Tony Blair for the joke. Tony Blair comes at heaven's gate.

Petrus was surprised to see the man because he does not often meet high politicians. He does not know what to do with him.
Blair says to him that his place is really in heaven.
But according to the rules, before he can choose, Blair has to spend one day in hell and one day in heaven.
Petrus guides him to the elevator and drops him off at the first door of hell.
The door opens and immediately, Blair steps into the most beautiful sea he has ever seen and where he even can scooba dive (is this correct?)
In this sea he meets a lot of very happy old friends.
They shake each others hands and they talk about the good old days where they were famous and rich. They continue their dive, after greeting a few fish.
After this swim, they all enjoy a diner with lobster and champagne.
The devil himself is also present and he appears to be a pleasant man who makes a lot of jokes.
All by all, this meeting was so lovely that the day had ended before Blair realised it.
His friends waved him goodbye as he steps back into the elevator.
When the doors open again, he finds himself in heaven.
In the next 24 hours, Blair floats from cloud to cloud.
Everybody was singing and Blair joined them all. He really likes it there.
When he stands back in front of Petrus, he asks him if he had managed to make a choice.
Blair thinks carefully and says: "I would never have tought it, and I must say that heaven was great, but I think that my place is in hell with my old friends."
So, Petrus guides him back to the elevator and takes him down.
The door opens.
He could see his friends, still diving, but now in a poluted sea. There is no fish to be seen.
All oxygen is almost gone and his friends have too much led on them to go up.
They are caught in nets, there is no way out.
The devil comes to Blair and put his arm around him.
"I don't understand?" says Blair.
"Yesterday, all of this was so beautiful and we ate lobster and drank champagne. We dansed and had a wonderfull day! What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says: "Yesterday was election time. Today you have choosen."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
Unread postPosted: 21 Jun 2007, 18:00 
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Three European couples sitting at their dinner table:

The typically romantic French husband says "Pass me the sugar, sugar"

The suave Italian husband says "Pass me the honey, honey"

The plain ordinary Edinburgh husband says "Pass me the milk, ya cow"


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
Unread postPosted: 20 Jul 2007, 10:48 
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Three mates are sitting in a airplain, coming home from their vacation.
They are daring each other that they don't have the guts to throw something out of the plain.
The first guy takes an apple and throws it out.
The second one throws a brick out.
The third one takes a bomb and throws it out the plain.

A few minutes later, they land and they are on their way home.
Suddenly they see a young boy crying.
the mates ask him why he is crying. He says: 'I was walking around and suddenly an apple falls on my head.'
A wee bit later, they see a woman crying. They went up to her and ask her why she is crying. She replys: 'I was walking around and suddenly a brick falls on my head.'
The guys turned the corner and see a man laughing really hard. They go to him and ask him why he is laughing so loud.
He says: 'I was walking around, I farthed and suddenly the building behind me explodes.'

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Heidi Breugelmans


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
Unread postPosted: 20 Jul 2007, 16:31 
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Ive heard that one before, but still cracks me up each time I read it!

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So much for London, home of the Brash, outrageous and free!


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
Unread postPosted: 20 Jul 2007, 17:39 
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Becky wrote:
Ive heard that one before, but still cracks me up each time I read it!


That proves that English jokes and Dutch ones are the same. Strange isn't it.

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Heidi Breugelmans


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
Unread postPosted: 27 Jul 2007, 13:45 
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On the subject of funnyness.. this is hilarious, every time I watch it I almost cry with laughter!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=90m2Xw_Haj0

(if you find it funny the music video remix is on the side)

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
Unread postPosted: 27 Jul 2007, 16:29 
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Oh my God, the lady is really hurt. But it certainly makes me laugh.

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Heidi Breugelmans


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
Unread postPosted: 27 Jul 2007, 16:32 
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They never did tell you who made the most juice, I wonder who won? lmao. :lol:

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