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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
Unread postPosted: 10 Aug 2007, 19:54 
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De Viega's Deity
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Becky wrote:
My mum last week in the lakes was frantically lookin everywhere for her suglasses, and having a stress saying we had moved them, when she came outside to ask us, they were on top of her head! :lol:

:lol:
I once was looking for my keys, to finally have found them... in my hand. Really happened. How crazy is that? :o

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
Unread postPosted: 17 Sep 2007, 20:00 
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Bad joke time!

What's the first sign of madness?

Suggs *cue groaning*

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
Unread postPosted: 17 Sep 2007, 20:58 
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shelliwood wrote:
Bad joke time!

What's the first sign of madness?

Suggs *cue groaning*



haha i didnt get it at first cos I'm thick but after I did i giggles :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
Unread postPosted: 05 Nov 2007, 07:25 
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Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!) When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket, please."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
Unread postPosted: 10 Nov 2007, 08:39 
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Things To Do In An Elevator

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hot line from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.
5) Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"
13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"
15) Swat at flies that don't exist.
16) Tell people that you can see their aura.
17) Call out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it.
18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".
26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
Unread postPosted: 13 Nov 2007, 08:12 
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A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.

The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs £10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs £15,000. Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs £50,000."

The client asked, "What? How's that possible?"

The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
Unread postPosted: 11 Dec 2007, 07:32 
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She is so blond that, when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went back home.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
Unread postPosted: 25 Dec 2007, 09:20 
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Q: Why did the blond get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?

A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
Unread postPosted: 01 Jan 2008, 02:10 
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So did not steal this from Sharon's blog! :whistle:

There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks and they’re at death’s door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.

As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There’s smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.

“Hey, Pepe” says the first bloke, “Ees a bacon tree!!! We’re saved!!!”

“You’re right, amigo!” says Pepe.

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But, as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there’s the sound of machine gun fire and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.

His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.

“Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?”

With his dying breath Pepe calls out, “Ugh, run, amigo, run!! Ees not a bacon tree!”









“Ees… a…. Ham bush!”

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
Unread postPosted: 05 Jan 2008, 19:26 
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The 5 secrets for a perfect relationship:

1. It is important to find a man who helps you in the house, who cooks from time to time, cleans and who has a job.
2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man who does not lie and on who you can depend on.
4. It is important to find a man who is good in bed.
5. It is very important that these 4 men don't know each other

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
Unread postPosted: 25 Feb 2008, 17:46 
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I received this one this morning. A good way for guys to get to understand us better. I put it in a spoiler because there is one expression that... You will see it.

Spoiler:
9 WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This isn't actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying RAM IT!!!!!!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
Unread postPosted: 18 May 2008, 08:23 
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This is an old one but still good

There were two blondes at the park.
One says, "Look at that dead seagull over there."
And the other looks up and says, "Where?"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
Unread postPosted: 20 May 2008, 07:45 
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some ------- has stolen our tent."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
Unread postPosted: 04 Jul 2008, 09:49 
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A seven year old boy goes to the hospital with his grandmother to visit his grandfather.
When they arrive there he runs ahead of his granny and bursts into his grandpa's room.
"Grandpa, as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog," he shouted.
"What for?" asked his grandpa.
"Grandma said that as soon as you croaked, we're going to Disneyland"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
Unread postPosted: 05 Jul 2008, 14:29 
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Okay, I recall in year 6 when we were doing preperation for our assemblies Sir was wanting us to come up with jokes, Scott came up with this;

How do you make a door scream?

(shelli: edit - possibly above PG)
Spoiler:
Squeeze it's knob.

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Last edited by shelliwood on 05 Jul 2008, 14:40, edited 1 time in total.
Added above PG comment


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