Production: Sleuth (UK Tour)
First Performance: 22 January 2008
Character: Andrew Wyke
Description: This was Simon’s first performance as Andrew Wyke in Sleuth at the Theatre Royal in Windsor.
Quotes: May contain spoilers
- Oh good! I pushed it through your letterbox (Re:Milo receiving his invitation)
- What you mean those ghastly things where the police race around in cars and call all the suspects chummy?
- I understand you want to marry my wife?
- Surely you know it’s very rude to make personal remarks
- Never speak ill of the deadly, eh?
- Certainly I do. And so does every right thinking insecure, deceitful man
- Téa is a Karelian Goddess
- There are those who believe that cleanliness is next to sexiness
- Mind you she take a bit of keeping up with, it’s a good thing I’m pretty much of an Olympic sexual athlete
- I could copulate for England at any distance
- You mean as soon as you and she are married, Marguerite will joyously exchange Cartiers for the Co-Op?
- When did she last turn down Bollinger for the blandishments of Baby Cham? Or reject Crepe Suzettes in favour of Roly Poly?
- Of course it’s criminal. All good money-making schemes in England have got to be these days
- Haven’t you read any of my books?
- Who knows? A dallying couple? A passing sheep rapist?
- A face mask, a flat cap, a striped jersey and a bag marked Swag
- Marguerite romantic? Marguerite couldn’t have got Johann Strauss to waltz
- Well then, what’s the matter with you? Where’s your spunk?
- Or what about this? Little Bo Peep? (Andrew sings little Bo Peep and dances about holding the dress)
- Oh, I don’t know. Trip up – fall on your arse
- For Christ’s sakes can’t you keep those boots off my Busy Lizzies
- In hot blood you mean. I’m going to shoot you down in cold blood anyway
- She’s mine whether I love her or not. I found her, I’ve kept her. I am familiar with her. And once she was in love with me
- Man cannot live on baked beans alone
- Sex is the game with marriage the penalty
- I’m simply saying that in common with most men I want to have my cake and ignore it
- I put the gun against his head and shot him with a blank cartridge. He fainted dead away. It was most gratifying
- No, He seemed speechless (cue evil chuckle.) He just lurched off
- You shit. You triple dealing turd.
- You really had me going there for a moment
- Puss, Puss, Puss, do you hear a noise Puss
- I just want someone to play with
- You might have said good shot
- Improvise, ducky. Place one foot above the other. It’s called climbing